Very Secret Atlantis Journals Season 2
by Athenaktt
Summary: ShepWeir. RononTeyla Inspired by LOTR VSD, Here is the continuation of VSAJ continuing with Season 2 with more snark and parodies of Stargate: Atlantis. Beware of mature language and content.
1. The Siege III

_**Author's Note:** OMG! I finally back! I'm sorry for being so behind. My excuse is because I went stupid and decided to pretty much rewrite **VSAJ – Season 1**. The revised/rewrite (and better version) of Season 1 and Season 2 can be found on livejournal at: http(colon)/"/ community. livejournal. com / vsaj(underscore)online (minus the strategically placed spaces and"and type in the symbol in placed of the words in parentheses) I decided to rewrite them because guidelines and formats here don't really let me do what I want. Also I'm not sure when Fic!Nazis will come after me and ban parody journals, so I need a place for back up. ;) _

_So I'll stop yapping and let's get on with Season 2! Also forgot to mention there is some Pig Latin here. :wink:_

_**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of the Stargate: Atlantis characters so don't sue me. I only poke fun because I love and likes to slack off from work. _

**Previously on _VSAJ – Season 1_**

**Doctor Elizabeth Weir**  
ZOMG! Sheppard don't go! You'll die! Oh, the angst!

**Doctor Rodney McKay**  
The Wraith are here! Sheppard is a dead man! _I_ am a dead man. :flails:

**Major John Sheppard**  
Der, why did I volunteer on this suicide mission again? My hair is too pretty to die!

**Lieutenant Aiden Ford**  
AHHHH! WRAITH ARE EVERYWHERE! OMG! AM I GOING TO DIE!

**Colonel Dillon Everett**  
OMFG! The Wraith won't die and my dinky gun sucks! Who thinks I'm a dead man? Raise your hands. :everyone raises hands: Damn.

**Doctor Radek Zelenka**  
I think I'm still in the Jumper bay... all alone... :woobies:

**Teyla Emmagan**  
I have NO IDEA where I am (EXCLAMATION POINT) :flails:

**Doctor Carson Beckett**  
Meep! The Wraith are here and Elizabeth won't leave because Sheppard is about to die. :sigh: Star-crossed lovers!

**Techie Chuck**  
:flails just for the heck of it:

* * *

**The Siege – Part 3**

**Lieutenant Aiden Ford**

_Day 30 – Entry 3 _  
OMG! I AM GOING TO DIE!

_Day 30 – Entry 4_  
ZOMGBBQ! THE WRAITH IS FEEDING ON ME! I'M SO FUCKED (Multi-exclamation points) :screams:

_Day 30 – Entry 5_  
I can't die! The episode just started! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. :falls into the freezing cold ocean:

_Day 30 – Entry 6_  
Haha! I'm alive! But now I'm not pretty! sobs I'm all fugly and Quasimodo... :cries: I want to be pretty again!

_Day 30 - Entry 7_  
This must be Sheppard's plan all along to make me ugly so he can be the pretty one! That attention h0ring bastard. :shakes fist:

_Day 30 – Entry 8_  
RAWR! Everyone looks at me like I'm a freak! Stupid fucked up eye. I'll show you all I'm A-OKAY by pinning Beckett against a wall and almost choking him... :facepalm:

_Day 30 – Entry 9_  
Nobody likes me anymore because I'm fugly. :cries:

_Day 30 – Entry 10_  
Because I'm misunderstood I'm going to steal Beckett's drug stash... Er, I mean... ENZYMES, yo!

_Day 30 – Entry 11_  
Yo, Sheppard. You're no match for Supa-Ford! I could have totally kicked yo ass just now! Aite!

_Day 30 – Entry 12_  
OMGWTF! Sheppard shot me! That's it! I'm stealing the Jumper and jetting out of here, yo! So fuck you all. :gives everyone the finger and leaves:

* * *

**Major John Sheppard**

_Day 35 – Entry 4_  
Who the frell is telling me to de-cloak my ship? OMG! I'm not even dead yet and I'm hearing things. :headconsole:

_Day 35 – Entry 5_  
Beam me up, Scottie! Hehe, I feel like Captain Kirk. Teehee!

_Day 35 – Entry 6_  
**Note to Colonel Skinner Caldwell:** It is rude to interrupt people from Radio!Sex, so don't EVAR do it again! kthanxbai!

_Day 35 – Entry 7_  
If I can't have Radio!Sex, Rodney can't geekgasm over the ZPM. So, Rodney, put the shields up NOW! Rawr!

_Day 35 – Entry 8_  
Our missiles suck! The Wraith are going to win if we don't think fast. :headdesk:

_Day 35 – Entry 9_  
OMG! There's actually an Asgard on this ship? Cool! A real alien! Not that the Wraith and Teyla aren't aliens. Lalalalala

_Day 35 – Entry 10_  
OMGBBQSAUCE!111! The darts are heading towards my girlfriend... No, I mean Atlantis!

_Day 35 – Entry 11_  
**Note to Elizabeth:** When I call on the radio, for Radio!Sex please answer IMMEDIATELY, AND DON'T EVAR SCARE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN!

_Day 35 – Entry 12_  
Honey! I'm home:bg:

_Day 35 – Entry 13_  
ZOMGWTF!11eleventyone!CAREBEARS! Elizabeth HUGGED ME(Gabillion exclamation points) :head esplode: (**Shippers:** ZOMG! melts to goo **Me:** rhiowqrnpqgh melts to goo)

_Day 35 – Entry 14_  
Crap, now I have to go and talk to Colonel Everbutt... Can I just stay here and hug Elizabeth longer?

_Day 35 – Entry 15_  
Dude! Everbutt turned into EverGeezer... o.O

_Day 35 – Entry 16_  
Hee! EverGeezer totally ph33rs me! Bwhahaha! See, piss me off and I won't mercy kill you! Rawr!

_Day 35 – Entry 17_  
**Note to Zelenka:** Yo, push the damn button so we can find Ford! Or Imma pop yo cap, yo!

_Day 35 – Entry 18_  
Der, Did Doc Beckett say Ford is a junkie? Oh, he said he should be dead...

_Day 35 – Entry 19_  
ZOMGWTFrappicinoMochaLatte! TWELVE MORE HIVE SHIPS. :headdesk repeatedly:

_Day 35 – Entry 20_  
Huttah! We're gonna go blow up TWELVE hive ships with our ONE ship... Why? Because we can run really fast. :headdesk:

_Day 35 – Entry 21_  
Damn, the Wraith jammed us. Why didn't we see that coming? Okay, time to turn tail and run. :headdesk:

_Day 35 – Entry 22_  
I'm home again! Aw, no hug... Must be because Colonel Skinner is here... :stinkeyes Skinner:

_Day 35 – Entry 23_  
OMG! Why am I standing out in the balcony with Rodney? I should be watching our destruction with Elizabeth... because it's romantic... sorta... okay, it's not! Leave me alone!

_Day 35 – Entry 24_  
Omigod! Zelenka's rambling gave me an idea. :ping: Fake-out KABOOM! equals No more Wraith! I hope...

_Day 35 – Entry 25_  
ZOMGWTF! Ford totally defied my order! Now I know how Elizabeth feels... :headdesk:

_Day 35 – Entry 26_  
This sucks! Like I don't angst enough, now I have to angst over Ford... :woobies:

_Day 35 – Entry 27_  
Oh yeah, Elizabeth just reminded me that we can have :cough:surviving-doom sex:cough: OMG! Yay!

* * *

**Colonel Steven Caldwell**

_Day 1 – Entry 1_  
Huzzah! Colonel Skinner is here to save the day! Now if only Sheppard would de-cloak his ship so I can save his ass. Rawr!

_Day 1 – Entry 2_  
OMGWTF! Our awesome warheads aren't even touching the Hive ships. :pulls on imaginary hair:

_Day 1 – Entry 3_  
**Note to Novak:** I am Colonel Skinner. I do not ph33r puny nekkid aliens! They ph33r m3! Ask Mulder...

_Day 1 – Entry 4_  
Twelve hive ships are headed towards us and Major IHaveHair wants to fight them with UNO ship? WTF! Why do I always end up working with crazy people(QUESCLAMTION POINT) :headdesk:

_Day 1 – Entry 5_  
ZOMGWTF! That's it? We come to blow up TWO ships and run? Dude, we're not playing a video game here! This is REAL LIFE! STFU! Stargates and Aliens are all REAL! I WANT TO BELIEVE! Lalalalala

_Day 1 – Entry 6_  
Beam this here. Beam that there. Beam a nuke above the city. WTF am I? Genie Skinner? Don't even start with my shiny head.

* * *

**Doctor Rodney McKay**

_Day 31 – Entry 5_  
Sheppard esploded a Wraith Hive ship! OMG! Yay! There's still one more left. Dammit. :headdesk:

_Day 31 – Entry 6_  
Am I dead? Because I think I just heard that the _Daedalus_ is here! O.o

_Day 31 – Entry 7_  
:sees ZPM beamed down: OMG!YAY!mylittleZedPM!

_Day 31 – Entry 8_  
WTF! I only get two pansies to escort me to the ZPM room? I am Doctor Coward McKay! I should have a whole battalion protecting me!

_Day 31 – Entry 9_  
OMG! My escorts just got shot. :flails: I'm a dead man! No! I will face the Wraith! RAWAR!

_Day 31 – Entry 10_  
Fuck me... I just released my gun clip. OMG! SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEEE!

_Day 31 – Entry 11_  
OMG! TEYLA, I LOVE YOU! And she thought I was brave! Heehee! McTeyla anyone?

_Day 31 – Entry 12_  
**Note to Teyla:** Now that I've thanked you for saving my life. Can you lead the way to the ZPM room? Because I'm chicken shit.

_Day 31 – Entry 13_  
**Note to Elizabeth:** OMFG! Do you want to give me a heart attack! Don't rush the goddamn genius because I might just SNAP!

_Day 31 – Entry 14_  
OMFG! 20 seconds and I'm a dead man. ZPM! Go down the damn hole! ZPM finally goes down Oh, thank you. :faints:

_Day 31 – Entry 15_  
Teyla is a bossy bitch... I kinda like that...

_Day 31 – Entry 16_  
Zelenka, I hate you. Not only do you deprive me of sleep, but you tell me there are twelve hive ships coming to blow us up. I hate you, just because I love... er, CAN NOT LOVE. ZOMG! I'm NOT a gay dead man!

_Day 31 - Entry 17_  
Ooh, shiny purty lights! eyes glaze over What was I supposed to do again? Oh yeah, save the city from Wraith...

_Day 31 – Entry 18_  
OMG! We can make the city invisible (even though we'll be completely unprotected...) I'm a genius! (even though this was sort of Sheppard's idea...)

_Day 31 – Entry 19_  
**Note to Wraith:** Please be dumb and fall for our fake-out trick so we can have another season. Kthanxbai!

_Day 31 – Entry 20_  
**Note to city cloak:** Please work. Please work. Please work. PLEASE WORK!

_Day 31 – Entry 21_  
WTF! The Stargate is activating! I don't want to die!

_Day 31 – Entry 22_  
Omigod! The Wraith are stupid and I'm still a live! Yippee!

* * *

**Doctor Elizabeth Weir**

_Day 34 – Entry 5_  
Blip!Sheppard just disappeared from the monitor. :cries:

_Day 34 – Entry 6_  
ZOMG! I just lost my boyfriend and now Not!Grodin Chuck tells me there's another ship(quesclamation point) :pulls hair:

_Day 34 – Entry 7_  
ZOMG!eleventyone!111! It's Sheppard! He's alive! Squee! Oh, and yay! ZPM!

_Day 34 – Entry 8_  
**Note to McKay:** STFU about the security escort and put up the damn shield already!

_Day 34 – Entry 9_  
Last Hive ship gone! Huzzah!

_Day 34 – Entry 10_  
Great, now a gabillion Wraith darts are using us as kamikaze practice. :headdesk:

_Day 34 – Entry 11_  
ZOMG! Rodney, STFU! Put the gawd damn ZPM in the slot already!

_Day 34 – Entry 12_  
The shield works! The darts are going splat like bugs on a windshield. Bwhahahaha! Ooh, Sheppard wants Radio!Sex. :bg:

_Day 34 – Entry 13_  
Squee! John is back! This is the closest I'll ever to get to sex on this show so I'm gonna hug him like there's no tomorrow. :hugs John: (**Shippers:** reloops scene for the billionth time.)

_Day 34 – Entry 14_  
Twelve more hive ships!eleventyoneoneone11! **Note to TPTB:** You guys suck sour lollipops. :shakes fists:

_Day 34 – Entry 15_  
**Note to Ford:** Please do NOT sneak up on me! Your fucked up eye is really... :twitch: fucked up and fugly. :twitch twitch:

_Day 34 – Entry 16_  
OMG! Ford snuck up on me and his fucked up eye totally scared me again! Oh yeah, he almost killed Beckett too. :headwall:

_Day 34 – Entry 17_  
Yay! John is home... with more bad news. :headdesk:

_Day 34 – Entry 18_  
**Option 1:** City + Shield equalsWraith shooting the crap out of us.  
**Option 2:** City – Shield + Nuke + Invisibility cloak equalsWraith thinks we're dead and go away... maybe.  
Is there a third option like Wraith all suddenly DIE! I'm just sayin'!

_Day 34 – Entry 19_  
OMG! We are about to be blown out of the water and John is going after Junkie!Ford! WTF!

_Day 34 – Entry 20_  
**Note to John:** ZOMGWTF! I'm the boss! PH33R M3! Bastard, he didn't listen to me. :facepalm:

_Day 34 – Entry 21_  
Teyla's message sent? Check. Non-essential personnel on the _Daedalus_? Check. Computers all shut down? Check. Nuke detonated? Check. Stargate turning on? OMGWTF! SHUT IT OFF!

_Day 34 – Entry 22_  
OMGWTF! Stupid Ford because you gave us all a heart attack for escaping, I vote you off the island! Even though you're gone already...

_Day 34 – Entry 23_  
Sheppard angsting over Ford is hot!Maybe I should comfort him... with sex.

* * *

**Techie Chuck**

_Day 5 – Entry 2_  
Ack! Major Sheppard esploded! Ack! There's another ship in orbit (Two exclamation points) :flails:

_Day 5 – Entry 3_  
Yay! Major Sheppard is alive! Yay! The _Daedalus_ is here! Yay! Oh noes! Teyla, Lieutenant Ford, and Captain Radwho? Disappeared... :flails:

_Day 5 – Entry 4_  
Last Hive ship is neutralized! Yay! Hehe! Neutralized I like that word:g:

_Day 5 – Entry 5_  
OMG! The gabillion ten hive ships are here... :flails: again Damn I'm flailing a lot this episode... :headdesk:

* * *

**Colonel Dillon Everett**

_Day 2 – Entry 3_  
OMFG! Dinky side arms are useless to a hungry Wraith... :gets feed on: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MOMMY!

_Day 2 – Entry 4_  
Ha! You all doubted me and called me Red-Shirt! I'm still alive...:coughs: But now I'm like 100 years old. Ugh. Damn Wraith.

_Day 2 – Entry 5_  
Dammit, now I have to apologize to Sheppard and I have no chance with Weir now. I totally LOSE in Life... :headpillow:

* * *

**_Daedalus_**

_Day 1 – Entry 1_  
My first appearance ever and I'm getting shot at by small pointy ships? F33R M3 little pointy ships! Yes, I am ignoring the other ginormous hive ship out there. Lalalalala :shoots all darts:

_Day 1 – Entry 2_  
Der, I'm just a spaceship, but don't you guys think 12 hive ships against one little me is a good idea?

_Day 1 – Entry 3_  
I told you this wasn't a good idea. Now I'm all hurting and need repairs. :sads:

* * *

**Doctor Lindsey Novak**

_Day 1 – Entry 1_  
Yeah, I think everyone on _Prometheus_ got sick of my hiccups and sent me here... to another galaxy... But that's okay because I only hiccup when I'm nervous. :hiccups: OMFG... :headdesk:

_Day 1 – Entry 2_  
OMGWTF! Colonel Caldwell wants me to tell giant head Hermiod to override the weapons delivery system? Hermoid can kill me with his mind. :flails:

_Day 1 – Entry 3_  
**Note to Hermoid:** Please don't kill me with your brain because ZOMG! I'm just following orders. :flails:

* * *

**Hermiod**

_Day 1 – Entry 1_  
Dear Novak! STFU! I already know human are upid-stay! Now let me ow-blay up-ay the aith-Wray.

_Day 1 – Entry 2_  
ie-Day aith-Wray! Ie-Day(exclamationpoint) :beams nukes into Wraith ship:

_Day 1 – Entry 3_  
Here we go again... owing-blay aith-Wray!

_Day 1 – Entry 4_  
Ugh... Stupid small brain humans, your plan only worked twice. So now there are TEN hive ships that still want to suck the life out of you. Good job! Why are we helping you humans again?

* * *

**Kleinman**

_Day 1 – Entry 1_  
Der, I'm just the weapons officer, but because I'm hot I get my own entries. :bg:

_Day 1 – Entry 2_  
:arms two more warheads: Er, How many warheads do we have because our weapons SUCK! The pointy ships keep blowing them up first.

_Day 1 – Entry 3_  
I admit. My ass is glued to this chair for the next two episodes. Then I'll disappear and reappear again... :gasps:

* * *

**Teyla Emmagan**

_Day 30 – Entry 2_  
Hee! I'm alive! I just got lost on my way back broke my radio, and heard McKay screaming, so I saved him. Yay!

_Day 30 – Entry 3_  
We have a ZPM! Yay! Damn, McKay for making me take the lead... :grumbles:

_Day 30 – Entry 4_  
**Note to McKay:** Just because you plugged in a ZPM doesn't mean your work is done. Hrmph! Chop! Chop! Time to work!

_Day 30 – Entry 5_  
"They are angry." WTF kind of line is that! I don't want to be the token Alien babe that says all the obvious lines, dammit. :wears a shorter shirt next episode:

_Day 30 – Entry 6_  
Who think it's lame that I get to "send a message" to the Wraith and make them "think" we are going to blow up the city(question mark) :raises hand: Yeah, that's what I thought.

_Day 30 – Entry 7_  
OMG! I see dead people Wraith! Actually, I see dead people too they are all along the walls... ZOMG! I'm not a freak...

* * *

**Doctor Radek Zelenka**

_Day 10 – Entry 4_  
Oh noes! The Wraith are going to make Atlantis KABOOM! If McKay doesn't get the ZPM working in time!

_Day 10 – Entry 5_  
OMG! Yay! The shield works! Look fireworks! Ooh!

_Day 10 – Entry 6_  
ZOMG! Major Sheppard is yelling at me again! I don't know where the frell Ford is! I don't like working around cranky people!

_Day 10 – Entry 7_  
Der, Lieutenant Ford is swimming drowning in the freezing cold ocean... R.I.P Ford:sobs:

_Day 10 – Entry 8_  
D'oh! Ford isn't dead yet... but there are twelve hive ships coming our way... :headconsole:

_Day 10 – Entry 9_  
sigh It's Why am I always in a Jumper or the Jumper bay? Wait a second, does this mean I don't have a lab of my own? Fine! I claim _Jumper 5_ as my laboratory... :nods:

* * *

**Doctor Carson Beckett**

_Day 24 – Entry 2_  
OCH! There's a Wraith attached to Lieutenant Ford! Eep. :is scared:

_Day 24 – Entry 3_  
Dear Lieutenant Ford,

Why aren't you dead!

Dr. Confuzzled Beckett

_Day 24 – Entry 4_  
**Note to Ford:** GET AWAY FROM ME YOUR MOTHEREFFING FREAK! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME(TEN EXCLAMATION POINTS) :flails:

_Day 24 – Entry 5_  
OMGWTFChocolateChipCookies!11! Who knew a mug can knock someone out!

_Day 24 – Entry 6_  
Der, Aiden is pointing a gun at me... and ZOMG! He just almost shot me! Fine take your drugs and get away from me!

_Day 24 – Entry 7_  
Eep! Now I have to tell Elizabeth that Junkie!Ford ran away... :facepalm:

_Day 24 – Entry 8_  
Why am I alone with Teyla in the infirmary? Shouldn't there be an S.O. or something to protect me in case Teyla get's possessed again? What? I don't want another headache!

_Day 24 – Entry 9_  
**Note to Teyla:** Everytime you connect to the Wraith. YOU SCARE THE CRAP OUTTA ME... :twitch:


	2. Intruder

_**A/N:** I want to say a quick thank you for all of you who have been following my silly fic since the first one. Hopefully, I live up to your expectations for the second season. Also sorry about the belated update, but I swear my goal is to finish this season before Season3 starts. Yikes. I'm running out of time. :headdesk: _

_**Disclaimer: **SGA is not mine. The only thing that belongs to me in this fic is my warpped sense of humar._

**Intruder**

**Doctor Elizabeth Weir**

_Day 35 – Entry 1_  
ZOMG! I've been staring at blue streaks for an hour and I still can't fall asleep. Der, the coffee is not helping either... :headtable:

_Day 35 – Entry 2_  
Ooh, John is here. Maybe we can have Table!Sex... or Eye!Sex to pass the time.

_Day 35 – Entry 3_  
:rolleyes: John is adorkable when he's squeeing about being a Lieutenant Colonel, but STOP already and lets have Table!Sex now! Rwar!

_Day 35 – Entry 4_  
Aww, John is wondering why I'm still up. I'm up because I need sex... No, er... the ocean I need the sound of the ocean.

_Day 35 – Entry 5_  
Dammit! I was _this_ close to Table!Sex! But nooooo Dr. Moron Monroe had to get himself killed! Argh! Hateful!

_Day 35 – Entry 6_  
**Note to Colonel Skinner:** You may be the boss of the _Daedalus_, but I still have better hair than everyone on this ship... Even Shep!Hair ph33rs me.

_Day 35 – Entry 7_  
Yo, Colonel Skinner! Remember that flashback we just had. Yeah, Landry also ph33rs me, so you and everyone are my bitches, aite:Lizzie!Brow of Doom:

_Day 35 – Entry 8_  
Skinner really needs to stop staring at me when we go to flashbacks it's freaks me out!

_Day 35 – Entry 9_  
I take the last entry back. Simon's new hair freaks me out! Thank God, my new boyfriend has better hair and a better body.

_Day 35 – Entry 10_  
I also forgot to add Simon is an asshole with bad hair. Icky!

_Day 35 – Entry 11_  
Simon is an asshole.

_Day 35 – Entry 12_  
OMGWTF! Wraith computer virus? Okay, who opened the email with the heading "Wraith pr0n?" :stinks eyes Sheppard:

_Day 35 – Entry 13_  
Oh noes! Sheppard ship is flying further away! Think fast!... Transport beam! McKay, needs to beam my boyfriend back now! Rwar!

_Day 35 – Entry 14_  
Yay! My boyfriend is back with all his manly parts still intact... I think... will have to check later. :wink:

_Day 35 – Entry 15_  
Aww, "John Sheppard Book of Computer Repair" my boyfriend is so cute:would jump him if I could: lalalalaa

_Day 35 – Entry 16_  
OMG! Yay! Lights are off:jumps Sheppard:

_Day 35 – Entry 17_  
Did I mention Simon is an asshole?

_Day 35 – Entry 18_  
OMGWTF! Rebooting didn't work! Now we're all going to get a nice tan before we die. :headdesk:

_Day 35 – Entry 19_  
**Note to McKay:** We all saw the SG-1 episode about the entity that took over Colonel Carter. Now get to the damn point! The episode is almost over:headdesk:

_Day 35 – Entry 20_  
**Note to Wraith Virus:** STOP TRYING TO KILL MY BOYFRIEND! Go kill Simon or something because he's an asshole. :Lizzie!Brow of Doom:

_Day 35 – Entry 21_  
OMFGWTF:shakes Hermiod: Don't shut off the movie when it's getting good! I need to see how my boyfriend dies kills the bastard:angsts:

_Day 35 – Entry 22_  
**Note to Hermiod:** You suck. It is not funny to give me heart attacks by saying John is dead. If we didn't need you to fly this ship, I'd throttle you. :stinkeyes Hermiod:

_Day 35 – Entry 23_  
We're finally home:eyefucks Sheppard because this episode needs more eyefucking:

* * *

**Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard That's right, LIEUTENANT COLONEL, eat that, biotch!**

_Day 36 – Entry 1_  
I can't sleep... so I'm gonna get some coffee. Wait, shouldn't I be drinking warm milk or something instead?

_Day 36 – Entry 2_  
Hee! Elizabeth is awake too maybe "coffee" isn't such a bad idea. :bg:

_Day 36 – Entry 3_  
**Note to Self:** Elizabeth wears the pants in this relationship. Elizabeth wears the pants in this relationship. Elizabeth wears the pants in this relationship. Do not mention the "burden of command" to Elizabeth again. Elizabeth wears the pants in this relationship... :headdesk:

_Day 36 – Entry 4_  
**Note to Doctor Monroe:** You have AWFUL timing! Next time don't die in the middle of a nice shippy moment between me and Elizabeth. RWAR!

_Day 36 – Entry 5_  
OMGWTFLITTLEGREENMEN! THE ALIEN IS NEKKID! Yes, I'm juvenile like that. :headdesk:

_Day 36 – Entry 6_  
No, seriously, where is Hermiod's pants? Even Marvin the Martian had a skirt and tights... Er, bad example, now he just sounds gay...

_Day 36 – Entry 7_  
Ha! I was right! Someone is committing sabotage! But since I don't have anything useful to say anymore, I'll just stand in back quietly and stare at Weir's ass.

_Day 36 – Entry 8_  
ZOMG! I swear I didn't click on the Wraith pr0n E-mail! The red-shirt did it! And no, I didn't kill him as cover-up...

_Day 36 – Entry 9_  
**Note to McKay:** Your plan to stop the distress signal sucks. My plan is faster and has more esplosions! And I get to impress Lizzie with my Flyboy skillz! My plan pwns yours! Rar!

_Day 36 – Entry 10_  
Huzzah! Transmitter went Kablooey!

_Day 36 – Entry 11_  
:headconsole: The Force is not with John... I can't turn the ship around...

_Day 36 – Entry 12_  
**Note to Elizabeth:** Your pep talks suck, but I love you anyway. Hee! I'm bored so I'll start angsting about Ford and how his cousin was such a bitch to me. That h0r!

_Day 36 – Entry 13_  
"Rodney seems to think you'll be okay" translation "John is a dead man." :headconsole:

_Day 36 – Entry 14_  
OMG! I'm a live! Two arms. Check. Ten fingers. Check. Awesome hair. Check. Two legs. Check. Ten toes. Check. Manly parts... I think Lizzie wants to check later. :bg:

_Day 36 – Entry 15_  
Wait a second! Wasn't I _sitting_ in the cockpit when I was beamed out! Why am I _standing_ now? Oh right, it would looks stupid to see me fall on my ASS when I'm beamed onto the bridge. :facepalm:

_Day 36 – Entry 16_  
That's it? Just "reboot" the computers? Is McKay _really_ a genius?

_Day 36 – Entry 17_  
Figures it wouldn't work... Time for ME not McKay to save the day! To the Batcave Fighter Bay!

_Day 36 – Entry 18_  
**Note to McKay:** I know you are trying to protect your manly parts like you have any, but dude WTF! You look like a five year old that needs to pee:facepalm:

_Day 36 – Entry 19_  
Actually, McKay looks more like someone kicked him in the balls. :giggles: OMG... I didn't just giggle... :headwall:

_Day 36 – Entry 20_  
OMGWTF! How many times do I have to cheat death? What is this _Final Destination: Atlantis_?

_Day 36 – Entry 21_  
Rodney, STFU and watch as I fly us dangerously close to the coronasphere and turn us into mutants er... kill the bastard.

_Day 36 – Entry 22_  
Huzzah! Virus is dead! And Rodney is red. Ooh, that rhymed:chants:

_Day 36 – Entry 23_  
Yay! We're home! Time for WeareHomeSex.

* * *

**Doctor Carson Beckett**

_Day 25 – Entry 1_  
Och, Doctor Monroe is heavy. I'm the Chief Surgeon. I shouldn't be lifting dead bodies on to gurneys! I should be hiding in my lab from stuff... yeah...

_Day 25 – Entry 2_  
**Note to Rodney:** I only have a couple scenes in this episode. So wear your damn oxygen mask! So I can do all the talking. Grrr.

_Day 25 – Entry 3_  
**Note to Colonel Caldwell:** Don't look at me about the selection process! I couldn't pick anyone because everyone made me feel dumb. :woobies: **P.S.** Doctor Weir knows how to base-jump so be smart and ph33r her!

_Day 25 – Entry 4_  
Yay! We're home! Now I can continue hiding for a few episodes! Wheee!

_Day 25 – Entry 5_  
WTF? Do I have moisturizer? Who am I the Avon Lady?

_Day 25 – Entry 6_  
Actually, I do have moisturizer… :facepalm:

* * *

**Colonel Steven Caldwell**

_Day 2 – Entry 1_  
Meh, some nerd died today... He probably spilled coffee on the console and electrocuted himself. :snickers:

_Day 2 – Entry 2_  
**Note to McKay:** We are not dropping out of hyperspace, and YES that is my final answer! RWAR!

_Day 2 – Entry 3_  
**Note to Weir:** On the _Daedalus_, I AM THE BALDEST BOSS! Why doesn't anyone listen to me:headwall:

_Day 2 – Entry 4_  
_"Are you sure that's what this is all about?"_ ZOMGWTF! Did Weir just sass me? That h0r! So what if I didn't get the job I wanted...because Landry totally ph33rs Weir. I'M STILL THE BOSS **HERE**, GODDAMMIT!

_Day 2 – Entry 5_  
OMFG! We have to drop out of hyperspace now... Dammit, McKay was right. :headdesk: I'm not apologizing!

_Day 2 – Entry 6_  
Another nerd bites the dust! Ahahaha! Because I don't trust all these saboteur nerds. I'm sending them ALL too their rooms. Bwhahahah!

_Day 2 – Entry 7_  
Stupid Atlantis kids, downloading pr0n all day... Now we got a freakin' virus! A freakin' WRAITH virus, WTF is that?

_Day 2 – Entry 8_  
OMGWTFBBQ! Stupid virus is broadcasting a distress call and Sheppard wants to shoot my baby? Bastard!

_Day 2 – Entry 9_  
Crap, Sheppard's in a renegade ship... Better beam him back quickly before Weir goes on a rampage...

_Day 2 – Entry 10_  
ZOMG! Are Sheppard and Weir having Eye!Sex in front of me? Why does this feel familiar:headdesk:

_Day 2 – Entry 11_  
**Note #1 to Wraith Virus:** GIVE ME BACK MY DAMN SHIP! RAWR!

_Day 2 – Entry 12_  
**Note #2 to Wraith Virus:** OMFG! It is not funny to give me back my ship for 2 seconds and take it back you Indian giver!

_Day 2 – Entry 13_  
**Note #3 to Wraith Virus:** Now you want me to fucking fry? What kind of sick virus are you? (No pun intended...)

_Day 2 – Entry 14_  
**Note to Doctor Weir:** Can you tell Sheppard to stop Almost!Dying! Because it's getting BORING! Rar!

_Day 2 – Entry 15_  
Blah, blah, blah. We lost contact with Sheppard again. I don't care. I just want my ship back. Dammit.

_Day 2 – Entry 16_  
John Skywalker shot the fighter. About time! Now we can go home. Woot!

* * *

**Doctor Rodney McKay**

_Day 32 – Entry 1_  
Stupid Doctor Monroe. Just when I was enjoying my sixteenth day geeking out on the _Daedalus_ you go and die. You suck you dead person you:raspberries:

_Day 32 – Entry 2_  
OMG! Something killed Monroe! We have to drop out of hyperspace now and risk getting detected by the Wraith. :headdesk:

_Day 32 – Entry 3_  
**Note to Hermoid:** Hermiod, you're naked. I am not. Who's more civilized now, huh? Biotch!

_Day 32 – Entry 4_  
OMG! I almost died:hyperventilates: Okay, bad idea to breath heavily around leaking coolant. :headdesk:

_Day 32 – Entry 5_  
OMFSTARS! Red-shirtwithaname just got sucked out the airlock! Linstrom, rest in peace.

_Day 32 – Entry 6_  
This sucks. I'm getting bossed around by a NEKKID ALIEN:headdesk:

_Day 32 – Entry 7_  
WTF! It's a Wraith computer virus:headdesk: Didn't I tell everyone to NOT open any Wraith E-mail spam even if it was pr0n? Argh:headconsole:

_Day 32 – Entry 8_  
:pulls hair: Now the virus is transmitting a distress signal. Fingers must type faster! Sheppard needs to STFU with his questions. Rar!

_Day 32 – Entry 9_  
**Note to Elizabeth:** Please don't kill me when I tell you that we might not be able to bring Sheppard back.

_Day 32 – Entry 10_  
Shepard is back. Thank God. Now I won't die by Elizabeth's hand... today. :twitch:

_Day 32 – Entry 11_  
Would this be a bad time to say that I don't know how to get rid of the virus:twiddles thumbs:

_Day 32 – Entry 12_  
:light bulb: When nothing in else works, Restart! Wheee!

_Day 32 – Entry 13_  
It worked! It worked! It worked for 2 seconds... :sobs:

_Day 32 – Entry 14_  
OMGWTF!Asgardsarenekkid! Sheppard is a crazy Mofo, yo! Beaming us into the fighter bay from INSIDE the ship is impossible! We might get stuck between a wall and look like Carbonite!Han Solo... I don't want to be a wall decoration:whines:

_Day 32 – Entry 15_  
STFU! I don't need to pee! I'm protecting my family jewels!

_Day 32 – Entry 16_  
OMG! We're in the fighter bay in one piece! Der, why are the fighter bay doors opening!

_Day 32 – Entry 17_  
I'm... NOT a dead man! Woohoo! GinormousHead saved us! Damn, now I owe the skinny little alien. Grrrrr...

_Day 32 – Entry 18_  
OMFG! The Bay shield is going down! I would pee my pants if I hadn't already peed during the FIRST scaretheshitoutofMcKay attempt.

_Day 32 – Entry 19_  
Ooh F-302... Ooh Claustrophobia settling in… :flails and hyperventilates:

_Day 32 – Entry 20_  
OMG! Is the plane moving? I think I'm going to throw up...

_Day 32 – Entry 21_  
Great, not only am I a dead man, but I'll be a mutated burnt dead man. Thank you, Sheppard. :hates on Sheppard:

_Day 32 – Entry 22_  
Finally, the ship is dead and I'm red... OMFG! I am going to kill Sheppard! Now I have that rhyme in my head. :headdesk:

_Day 32 – Entry 23_  
Damn, my skin is peeling. Where's SPF 100 when I need it?

* * *

**General Hank Landry**

_Day 1 – Entry 1_  
Now I know why Jack sent Weir to Pegasus. She's scary! I thought she was going to beat me silly if I didn't promote Sheppard.

* * *

**Hermiod**

_Day 2 – Entry 1_  
**Note to McKay:** See my ginormous head that is waaaaay bigger than yours? That means I'm SMARTER THAN YOU! Now stop walking around, you're giving me a headache! RAR!

_Day 2 – Entry 2_  
**Note to Colonel Sheppard:** I'm nekkid and proud! So deal with it, you infantile man! Now go comb your hair! Rawr!

_Day 2 – Entry 3_  
Haha! Stupid humans, leave it to the nekkid alien with the ginormous brain to find the virus. Suckas! Bow to me! Especially you, McKay.

_Day 2 – Entry 4_  
Ah, simple human computers. When all else fails press ESC and Reboot.

_Day 2 – Entry 5_  
Too bad it DIDN'T WORK! Now we will all die of radiation... how charming. :ginormousheadconsole:

_Day 2 – Entry 6_  
Bwhahaha! My quick thinking saved McSmallBrains and ShepNakedAliensScareMe. I totally PWNED them!

_Day 2 – Entry 7_  
Crap, lost control of the ships. Damn Wraith virus:shakes tiny fists:

_Day 2 – Entry 8_  
**Note to stupid humans:** I am getting sick of pressing the Restart button. Get this right already dammit! RAR!

* * *

**Doctor Lindstrom**

_Day 1 – Entry 1_  
Er, Didn't Monroe die in working in front of a console that looked exactly like this? I'm just sayin'.

_Day 1 – Entry 2_  
Damn you, Rodney! You ran out the door before I could make it! Now I'm stuck in this small room with a frozen hand:shakes frozen fist:

_Day 1 – Entry 3_  
Dear Red Button,

PLEASE WORK GODDAMMIT!

Still pressing the button,  
Being a Red-Shirt Sucks!

_Day 1 – Entry 4_  
OMFG! This is probably the worse red-shirt way to die… :gets sucked out into space:

* * *

**Simon Wallis**

_Day 3 – Entry 1_  
I'm back! Sorta... I'm such a loser that I only get to return to Atlantis as an illusion or a flashback… AND I have the ugliest hair EVAR! Yes, I lose in Life, Monopoly, Candy Land, _and_ Operation. :headdesk:

_Day 00 – Entry 00_  
Dammit, even during a "romantic" dinner, Elizabeth is wearing a grandma dress... Where's the skanky little black dress?

_Day 00 – Entry 00_  
Because I lose in Chutes and Ladders too, I'm going break up with Elizabeth. Even though I should have did this THREE weeks ago. :facepalm:

_Day 00 – Entry 00_  
Yes. I sucksourlollipopsthathavebeenrollingaroundsmellydogdoodoo AKA Biggest Asshole in Two Galaxies.

* * *

**_Daedalus_**

_Day 2 – Entry 1_  
Wheee! Flying to Earth!

_Day 2 – Entry 2_  
Whee! Flying back to Atlantis!

_Day 2 – Entry 3_  
Whee! Hyperspace blue screen streaks!

_Day 2 – Entry 4_  
After 16 days of hyperspace I'm getting bored...

_Day 2 – Entry 5_  
Oy, I feel sick... I think I need a break.

_Day 2 – Entry 6_  
Yay, I'm out of hyperspace and some guy just flew out of the airlock... That can't be good.

_Day 2 – Entry 7_  
I still feel sick. Why am I sending out a distress signal?

_Day 2 – Entry 8_  
OMGWTF!StarshipEnterprise!oneone! An F-302 shot me! I thought we were on the same side. :cries:

_Day 2 – Entry 9_  
Naptime. :gets shutdown:

_Day 2 – Entry 10_  
Aw, no more nappytime :sads: But I don't feel sick any more! Yay!

_Day 2 – Entry 11_  
WTF? WHY AM I FLYING TOWARDS A GREAT BALL OF FIRE!

_Day 2 – Entry 12_  
:gets shuts down:

_Day 2 – Entry 13_  
:restarts:

_Day 2 – Entry 14_  
That didn't work I'm still getting a Ship's Tan... which isn't really flattering when you're, you know, BURNT!

_Day 2 – Entry 15_  
:shuts down again: OMG! Third time better be a fucking charm!

_Day 2 – Entry 16_  
Okay, it was... Yay:is happy again:

* * *

**Teyla Emmagen**

_Day 31 – Entry 1_  
WTF? I'm only in this episode for 1 minute? This sucks.

_Day 31 – Entry 2_  
OMGWTF! Colonel Sheppard is eyefucking Doctor Weir in front of me again. :cries: I want a boyfriend too!

* * *

**Doctor Radek Zelenka**

_Day 11 – Entry 1_  
**Note to Teyla:** Who made you boss of Doctor Weir, huh? She's my crush woman, hands off! Rwar!


	3. Runner

**A/N: **_I admit. I have the worse track record when it comes to updating this fic. I won't say I'll try to get the next portion up next week, because, frankly, I have no idea when I'll have the next chapter up. I'm very sorry for those who are patiently waiting for updates, but I do have a goal that I will finish Season 2 this year. The only promise I can give my readers is that I won't abandon this fic. It'll just take longer for me to update chapters. Since I obviously have issues with getting my act together here. Lol I want to thank all the reviewers and all the patient readers that I have. Thank you! _

**Runner**

**Major I-Want-A-First-Name Lorne**

_Day 1 – Entry 1_  
Why do I always get stuck with the boring scientists? First, Unas Island. Now I'm in Botanical Hell Gardens. Ugh. I wanna shoot something. Where is Doc Perish? What? Parrish, perish same difference!

_Day 1 – Entry 2_  
Yo, Parrish the dendrophiliac, they are PLANTS! Greenleaf photosynthetic plants! Ooh flower! Pretty!

_Day 1 - Entry 3_  
Okay... _That_ is definitely not a dead plant. :pokes dead Wraith repeatedly:

_Day 1 – Entry 4_  
Help me! I'm in Doctor Weir's office alone with Doctor Weir and Colonel Sheppard... The UST is hurting me!

_Day 1 – Entry 5_  
Super… I get stuck with Cocoa Butter Man. Who did I piss off... :headwall:

_Day 1 – Entry 6_  
SPF 100? Seriously, who did I piss off to get this assignment?

_Day 1 – Entry 6_  
:headshrub: Damn, McKay isn't Ford's BFF. I hope we don't find Ford.

_Day 1 – Entry 7_  
Aw shit, I think we found Ford.

_Day 1 – Entry 8_  
Fuck me, Colonel Sheppard isn't responding. Doctor Weir is _not_ gonna be happy... Am I gonna get demoted... :woobies:

_Day 1 – Entry 9_  
:WTFs McKay: Orange radiation suits… talk about a fashion statement. Ahahahhahah... :laughs at McKay:

_Day 1 – Entry 10_  
Glees! I get to order people around. :bg:

_Day 1 – Entry 11_  
Oh God, McKay is putting on his helmet... After spending an episode with McKay, I better survive this season and the next and the next and I want a first name, dammit!

_Day 1 – Entry 12_  
You know, McKay sounds like an Orange Darth Vader. :giggles: Er, ROTFLMAO!

_Day 1 – Entry 13_  
Can I sacrifice McKay to appease the God of Wrath?

_Day 1 – Entry 14_  
OMFG! I am seriously going to sacrifice McKay if he doesn't get off his ass:gets shot: Fuck. :falls down:

_Day 1 – Entry 15_  
My poor head… Oh look, Colonel Sheppard came back by himself. I should have just stayed in the Jumper and save myself from getting shot again. :headwall: Ow, bad idea.

_Day 1 – Entry 16_  
Someone out there hates me. I stayed in the Jumper this time! Now we have Darts coming through the gate?!

* * *

**Lieutenant Aiden Ford**

_Day 31 – Entry 1_  
:singsong voice: Ford and his gun sitting in the tree K-I-L-L-I-N-G. First dead Wraith. Then stabbed Wraith. Then Ford is happy with his new stash of crack!

_Day 31 – Entry 2_  
Ugh. The Atlantis dorks need to leave already. My butt hurts sitting in this tree... Squirrels are scary... oO

_Day 31 – Entry 3_  
I'm Stealth!Ford I can sneak up on everyone! Boo... :watches McKay scream like a girl:

_Day 31 – Entry 4_  
Holy shit! McKay + Weapon Very Bad. :takes gun from screaming McKay:

_Day 31 – Entry 5_  
**Note to McKay:** IMMA NAWT KRAZEE, YO MAMMA, YO!!! IMMA SUPPA FORD!

_Day 31 – Entry 5_  
**Note to McKay – Part Deux:** I DO NOT HAVE ADHD! Oooh Shiny!!

_Day 31 – Entry 6_  
As I was saying, I DO NOT HAVE ADHD and I'm gonna be the hero and save the Colonel and— Ooh Sparklies... :glees:

_Day 31 – Entry 7_  
How many times do I have to tell McKay IMMA NOT KRAZEE!!! RWAR!!

_Day 31 – Entry 8_  
Holy mushrooms! I just shot at Mckay… :emos: I just want to keep my supa-powers:woobies:

_Day 31 – Entry 9_  
WTF? McKAY SHOT ME! YOU'RE DEAD BIOTCH!

_Day 31 – Entry 10_  
Bwhahahha McKay is hanging upside down.

_Day 31 – Entry 11_  
McKay is still going to die. Mwhahahahha Ooof... :gets knocked over:

_Day 31 – Entry 12_  
RAWR! Mano-a-mano fight with… daggers! RWAR!

_Day 31 – Entry 13_  
Stupid Sheppard interrupting my manly fight with Tarzan because he was jealous. Pfft.

_Day 31 – Entry 14_  
WTF?! Sheppard just shot me too! What am I? Target practice? This is bull shit I'm getting new friends. :jumps in Wraith beam:

* * *

**Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard**

_Day 37 – Entry 1_  
Ford is alive:angsts: I need a hug! But everyone is here, so I'll settle for another eyefucking session with Elizabeth. :eyefucks Elizabeth:

_Day 37 – Entry 2_  
Grrr, Rodney needs to stop interrupting my moments with Elizabeth, yo!

_Day 37 – Entry 3_  
Yay, we get to go save Ford!

_Day 37 – Entry 4_  
Crap, Colonel Skinner found me... If I don't see him, does it mean he doesn't see me?

_Day 37 – Entry 5_  
:headwall: He still saw me...

_Day 37 – Entry 6_  
:plugs ears with fingers: Lalalalalalala… Is Skinner still talking? Lalalalalala

_Day 37 – Entry 7_  
:facepalm: Dammit, I should have stayed on the steps! I had the higher ground! I looked manly! But Geezer Skinner tricked me and I walked down. :pouts:

_Day 37 – Entry 8_  
Skinner is scary when he's pissed...

_Day 37 – Entry 9_  
OMFG! Shoot one FBI Agent and they never let you live it down. :sigh:

_Day 37 – Entry 10_  
**Note to McKay:** STFU about your "fair skin" and the UV Index! You need a goddamn tan, aite?! And Aqua Velva is manlier than cocoa butter, yo!

_Day 37 – Entry 11_  
Hee! Glow sticks marks the spot! And our treasure is... Wraith balls that go boom! Hee! Wait that came out totally wrong…

_Day 37 – Entry 12_  
I think Teyla is hearing things. I don't see Ford. Then again it is freaking dark here. Where's our night vision goggles?

_Day 37 – Entry 13_  
Oh, I see. When I call Ford, he doesn't answer, but when Teyla talks they start running? WTF:annoyed:

_Day 37 – Entry 14_  
Holy Macaroni! Teyla got shot and did a flip! She didn't stick the landing so I'll give her 5 points. Wait... does that mean I'm next?

_Day 37 – Entry 15_  
:gets shot: Yup, I'm next... ughhhhhhh

_Day 37 – Entry 16_  
Owie, my head hurts. I shouldn't have headdesked so much. Hey, I'm all tied up. Kinky. :turns around: Damn, it's only Teyla. Not! Kinky.

_Day 37 – Entry 17_  
Oh Schnapps! Angry!Monkey 11 o'clock and heading towards us! Don't make eye contact:shuts eyes:

_Day 37 – Entry 18_  
:opens eyes: WTF he's still there, and he's got my gun... I bet he can't talk!

_Day 37 – Entry 19_  
Ookaay… He can talk... and he's military. I think I'm in love. :bg:

_Day 37 – Entry 20_  
**Note to self:** Don't make the Angry!Monkey cry.

_Day 37 – Entry 21_  
Don't eat me! Take Teyla!

_Day 37 – Entry 22_  
Phew! Angry!Monkey doesn't want to eat us yet... I'll let Teyla convince him since her boobies are bigger and she never has any lines.

_Day 37 – Entry 23_  
Yay! Saved by the static radio! Tarzan finally left. He made me feel girly… OMG! Not like that!

_Day 37 – Entry 24_  
WTF?! Did Teyla just feel me up? Talk about weird timing. Pfft Alien women.

_Day 37 – Entry 25_  
Huzzah! Teyla and I will sneak up on the Angry Monkey and beat him down! Okay, maybe not... Ow!

_Day 37 – Entry 26_  
**Note to Self:** Don't try negotiating with Angry Monkeys. They'll shoot you anyway. Ow...

_Day 37 – Entry 27_  
I can't feel my arms. I think Chewbacca's gun pulled it out of its socket…

_Day 37 – Entry 28_  
**Note to self:** Shoot first. Negotiate later. :facepalm:

_Day 37 – Entry 29_  
So we trade Beckett for Ford. That's a good deal, right? Beckett is going to kill me… I'll let Elizabeth talk to him. :bg:

_Day 37 – Entry 30_  
Elizabeth is awesome. She ordered Carson to come. Hee! After they remove the transmitter from Ronon, I can adopt him as my own:goes and hides on the cliff:

_Day 37 – Entry 31_  
Operation with out anesthesia. I think I'm going to throw up. :blech:

_Day 37 – Entry 32_  
Aww… Ronon is sleeping. How cute! Must ask Elizabeth if I can keep him. :hee:

_Day 37 – Entry 33_  
I hear gunshots. Must be McKay.

_Day 37 – Entry 34_  
I hear Wraith Darts. Fuck.

_Day 37 – Entry 35_  
Stupid Ford why did you make me shoot you? Why did you go away? Now Skinner is gonna yell at me. :cries:

_Day 37 – Entry 36_  
Pfft! Skinner can yell at me all he wants. Elizabeth still loves me.

_Day 37 – Entry 37_  
Aww, Ronon is stuck here with us! Yay... Er... Awww :sads:

* * *

**Doctor Elizabeth Weir**

_Day 36 – Entry 1_  
Rodney, why do you have such bad timing? This is the only scene I have with John. Let me eyefuck him! RAWR!

_Day 36 – Entry 2_  
ARGH! I hate it when John gets lost off-world! That means I get less screen time. That screen hogging h0r.

_Day 36 – Entry 3_  
I sent John to find Ford and they come back with Ronon. Something is wrong here...

* * *

**Teyla Emmagan**

_Day 32 – Entry 1_  
Lalala, I have a new outfit and it's only the third episode of the season! Teehee!

_Day 32 – Entry 2_  
OMFG!!! Colonel Sheppard is still eyefucking Weir over Ford angst! Look at me new skin baring top, dammit... :hates on Carson:

_Day 32 – Entry 3_  
Rodney needs a tan. I'm going blind standing next to his pasty whiteness.

_Day 32 – Entry 4_  
I give up. Colonel Sheppard is more interested with a Wraith grenade than me. I'm going to look for Ford. At least he liked me. Hrmph.

_Day 32 – Entry 5_  
I found Ford:gets shot: Then again maybe not...

_Day 32 – Entry 6_  
Hellloooo Hot-dirty-man-with-pretty-intense-I-wanna-jump-you eyes. :swoon:

_Day 32 – Entry 7_  
OMGBBQHOTNESS!!! Ronon angst! I'm in love!

_Day 32 – Entry 8_  
Finally, the Screen h0r lets me talk to Ronon. :flutter eyelids: Please free us Dirty Sexy Man. I'll show you my new outfit. It's shorter than my old ones. :bg:

_Day 32 – Entry 9_  
:swoons again: Ronon finally walks over to my side, so I can finally see him! I think he likes me! Squee!

_Day 23 – Entry 10_  
Dear Colonel Sheppard,

I am over you, and I am NOT grabbing your ass. I just want to free my hands so I can go after a _real_ man.

Future Mrs. Dex

_Day 23 – Entry 11_  
OMG! Ronon is a _real_ Runner! Runners are HAWT :panties esplode:

_Day 23 – Entry 12_  
Finally Sheppard left. Now I can be alone to seduce Ronon.

_Day 23 – Entry 13_  
ARGH! Colonel Sheppard has horrible timing!

_Day 23 – Entry 14_  
Did Doctor Beckett just tell Ronon to strip? Oh yeah.

_Day 23 – Entry 15_  
OMG! Did Ronon just tell me to strip him... :brain melts:

_Day 23 – Entry 16_  
I will not stare. I will not stare. I will not stare… Oh hell, the camera is focused on his chest. I'm staring.

_Day 23 – Entry 17_  
Oh no, Hot Bod disappeared! I hope he's okay. I hope he comes home with us. Hee!

* * *

**Doctor Carson Beckett**

_Day 26 – Entry 1_  
Great, I enter the episode with Teyla glaring at me... OMG! I was just doing my job! It's not my fault Sheppard and Weir eyefucks in front of _everyone_ now!

_Day 26 – Entry 2_  
OWTF?! Elizabeth wants me to operate on a crazy jungle man?

_Day 26 – Entry 3_  
Och, if I do this, I better be the hero of this bloody episode since I'm risking my life to save Teyla, McKay, and Ford while Wraith are on the way...

_Day 26 – Entry 4_  
Colonel Sheppard, I hate you. You're doing all this for a new puppy. :stink!eyes Sheppard:

_Day 26 – Entry 5_  
Oh bloody hell, why doesn't anyone listen to me? I'm the doctor for crying out loud! Lie bloody down boy! Lie!

_Day 26 – Entry 6_  
Fine, don't lie down! Just don't eat me if you become paralyzed. Oh, if you're paralyzed that means you can't do anything to me. Score!

_Day 26 – Entry 7_  
Oh noes! Wraith Darts. :grabs biggest gun: I don't know how to use this, but it's a big gun!

_Day 26 – Entry 8_  
Er, were did my patient go? Whatever. Teyla protect me! I want to go home.

**Doctor Rodney McKay**

_Day 33 – Entry 1_  
OMGWTFBBQ! I was late because I was WORKING! Why is everyone snapping at me:woobies:

_Day 33 – Entry 2_  
Who's idea was it for me to stand next to Teyla?? I know I'm pale, but do you _have_ to point it out on screen too??

_Day 33 – Entry 3_  
OMG 736??! I don't want to go there! The UV index there can make you glow in the dark! Look at me! I'm already glowing!

_Day 33 – Entry 4_  
WTF? Everyone needs to stop looking at me. I'm NOT THAT pale… am I... :looks as own hands and blinds self: Crap! I need my eyes for seeing!

_Day 33 – Entry 5_  
Noooooo, they can't make me go out into Radiation Land!

_Day 33 – Entry 6_  
Thank my awesome brain for 100 SPF. Mmm… cocoa butter. Eww, is that Aqua Velva I smell?

_Day 33 - Entry 7_  
**Note to self:** Do not eat sun block no matter how good it smells.

_Day 33 - Entry 8_  
Great, Major I-Don't-Have-A-First-Name skipped "How to capture Crack!Ford" course. :headtree:

_Day 33 – Entry 9_  
OMG! Major I'm-Gonna-Have-Mutated-Kids-Because-I-Don't-Listen-to-McKay, stop judging me! You don't know me!!!

_Day 33 – Entry 10_  
Ha! I have me awesome radiation suit. I will not die of radiation like Major Snarks here. :sticks tongue out:

_Day 33 – Entry 11_  
Crap, I can't see with my helmet on… It's all fogged up!

_Day 33 – Entry 12_  
Um... I'm feeling a bit light headed…

_Day 33 – Entry 13_  
Must… take… helmet… off… before… passing… out…

_Day 33 – Entry 14_  
:removes helmet: OMG! I can breathe! Oh noes! The sun! Ack, breathing or radiation, breathing or radiation, I can't decided! Ahhhhhh:flails: I need to sit down…

_Day 33 – Entry 15_  
OMGWTFKOREANBBQSTEAK!!!!oneoneone!!! Lorne is shot!!!eleventyone!!!11! spins around I'm... getting… dizzy…

_Day 33 – Entry 16_  
OMG! It's Ford! I'm a dead man.

_Day 33 – Entry 17_  
I'm melting!!! It's so hot in this 50-pound rubber suit. And Ford has MAJOR ADHD.

_Day 33 – Entry 18_  
Also Ford you are

FUCKING INSANE!!!! 

_Day 33 – Entry 19_  
OMFGWTF?!! Ford just shot at me!!

_Day 33 – Entry 20_  
Mommy! I just shot the crazy man. :runs screaming like a girl:

_Day 33 – Entry 21_  
:gets caught in a trap: FUCK ME!

_Day 33 – Entry 22_  
:still hanging upside down: STFU FORD! SO WHAT IF I'M UPSIDE DOWN???

_Day 33 – Entry 23_  
OMG FORD IS GOING TO SHOOT ME... :flails wildly:

_Day 33 – Entry 24_  
Crap… blood rush, blood rush, I can't really see clearly! OMG FORD STILL WANTS TO KILL ME... :flails some more:

_Day 33 – Entry 25_  
Oh thank God, I was saved by some caveman.

_Day 33 – Entry 26_  
**Lesson of the day:** Don't talk to strangers that look like cavemen. They might eat you.

_Day 33 – Entry 27_  
Er, I'm still upside down. Help me? Can a head esplode if you hang upside down for too long???

* * *

**Colonel Steven Caldwell**

_Day 3 – Entry 1_  
I look so awesome with in my jumpsuit and shiny head… Yeah, right. I couldn't get Mulder to ph33r me in an awesome suit and tie, who is gonna ph33r me wearing a jumpsuit?

_Day 3 – Entry 2_  
:sigh: Why do I even try to asserting authority around here? Sheppard is going to ignore me like everyone else...

_Day 3 – Entry 3_  
LMFAO! Sheppard tried to intimidate me by standing on the stairs and tried to be manly, but I wasn't listening so he had to come down the stairs. :bg: Ph33r me Sheppard, I'm taller than you even without hair extensions. RAWR!

_Day 3 – Entry 4_  
Everyone needs to stop calling me Skinner! ARGH!

_Day 3 – Entry 5_  
Sheppard is a sucker. Letting Ford go is going to bite him in the ass later. I bet my shiny bald head on it.

**Ronon Dex**

_Day 1 – Entry 1_  
Today a Wraith tried to eat me, but I hypnotized them with my Dex Powers so he didn't eat me. But I think he tried to molest me instead...

_Day 1 – Entry 2_  
Fuck! Today a fugly Wraith held me down and implanted a tracking bug in my bellybutton— Er, wrong movie... I mean my neck.

_Day 1 – Entry 3_  
Then they let me run free! So Mr. Smith… D'oh! _They_ can hunt me... headtree

**Seven Years Later**

Hey when you are running from Wraith for seven year you don't have time to stop and update journals! So STFU!

_Day 2 – Entry 1_  
OMFG! How much longer do I have to run???? I need to shower! I'm so dirty and smelly… Though those are the best weapons to keep people away! RAWR!

_Day 2 – Entry 2_  
Yo, Crazy bandanna dude, I'm dirty and bigger than you. Let me pass! RAR!

_Day 2 – Entry 3_  
:gets stunned: Shit, forgot about the Wraith chasing me... :falls down then runs away from Crazy Bandanna Boy:

_Day 2 – Entry 4_  
This sucks. I capture two people who have crappy equipment. I should just kill them. RAWWR!

_Day 2 – Entry 5_  
Yo, Colonel Messy Hair, my dread PWNS your hair. RAWR!

_Day 2 – Entry 6_  
Stupid Sheppard, why did you have to make me angst about my past:emos and rubs more dirt on face:

_Day 3 – Entry 7_  
The hot chick speaks! I wonder if her boyfriend is the Crazy Wraith Stabbing Mofo.

_Day 3 – Entry 8_  
WTF is wrong with these people?! I tie them up and shoot them and they still want to help me? No wonder they are always getting their asses kicked. Whatever. I get the better end of the deal here. Suckers.

_Day 3 – Entry 9_  
Sheppard finally left to get me a doctor. So they can suck out the bug transmitter from my bellybutton… Dammit! Wrong movie again! Grrrr.

_Day 3 – Entry 10_  
Me, Ronon; you, Teyla.

_Day 3 – Entry 11_  
Yo, Beckett. I'm Ronon Dex. I can take any pain! RAWR! So cut me!

_Day 3 – Entry 12_  
Oh fuck, this really hurts...

_Day 3 – Entry 13_  
I will not faint. I will not faint. I… will not… faint… I… will… not… :faints:

_Day 3 – Entry 14_  
I did not faint! I took an involuntary nap. Now I'm ready for Man Fight! RAR!

_Day 3 – Entry 15_  
Aww, man fight over. Look man hanging upside down. :poke poke:

_Day 3 – Entry 16_  
Wow, Atlantis is fancy. But not as fancy as Sateda.

_Day 3 – Entry 17_  
I take that back. Sateda is broken. Atlantis wins in fancy. :cries:


	4. Duet

_**Author's Notes:** Since this is an episode where McKay shares his brain with Cadman, I decided to make them share journals too. So I've bold and itlicized some texts to tell the two characters apart when they comment on each other's journals. I hope it isn't too confusing and still funny. Thanks for reading and thanks for all the reviews! _!

**Duet**

**Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard**

_Day 38 – Entry 1_  
Another day. Another dead planet. I can see this is going to be a boring episode for me... There isn't even a Wraith for me to poke. :sigh:

_Day 38 – Entry 2_  
Did Cadman just say Dart?! OMG!YAY! I can get me a new Wraith pet! I haven't even asked Elizabeth if I could keep Ronon yet… Whatever. A boy can't have too many pets. :bg:

_Day 38 – Entry 3_  
Oh yeah, I need to shoot the Dart down before I can get a new pet to poke. Hee!

_Day 38 - Entry 4_  
**Question:** Whose idea was it for me to stand right in front of the gate where I can get impaled like a kabob? It's not a pretty way to die... I'm just sayin'.

_Day 38 – Entry 5_  
**Note to Lorne:** Lorne, your aim sucks. No more big guns for you! No first name for you either. Ha!

_Day 38 – Entry 6_  
How many times do I have to tell Beckett that you don't talk to the Wraith? You poke them. Then poke them again and again and again. Then when they get pissed off you blow their heads off. That's not hard to remember. Poke, poke, poke, and blow his head off.

_Day 38 – Entry 7_  
**P.S.** If the Wraith is already pissed, skip to blowing his head off.

_Day 38 – Entry 8_  
:to fugly Wraith: Say hello to my little friend. :shoots Wraith:

_Day 38 – Entry 9_  
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. Will these geeks get Rodney out already? I want to go home and poke my new puppy!

_Day 38 – Entry 10_  
I will not laugh at spazzy nerds. I will not laugh at spazzy nerds. Ahahahahahaha!!! Oops.

_Day 38 – Entry 11_  
I have NOOOOOOO idea what Zelenka just babbled to me about. Did he say pick a dot? I'll pick the shiniest one! Shuddup! Those dots are _not_ the same!

_Day 38 – Entry 12_  
Dammit! Er, Yes! I picked the Rodney!Dot... Poor Cadman!Dot. She's a lonely dot now. Prolly better that way, I bet Rodney!Dot is pretty annoying.

_Day 38 – Entry 13_  
I just finished checking up on Zelenka working on the Wraith Vomit Dart. :blech:

_Day 38 – Entry 14_  
Oh, I was so grossed out I forgot to finish my last entry. :facepalm: Anyway it's time to play with my new puppy Ronon!

_Day 38 – Entry 15_  
Aww, Ronon is sitting all alone… And eating with his hands. How... primitive and cute? I hope he's housebroken…

_Day 38 – Entry 16_  
Hee! I hope Ronon stays with us. :watches Ronon use utensils: I hope Ronon _never_ gets pissed at me. That poor mashed potato never had a chance. :twitches:

_Day 38 – Entry 17_  
Dude, I total think Rodney's making up having Cadman in his head. He just wants an excuse to hear himself talk more. Whatever. I'm going to play with my new puppy Ronon now. Hehe!

_Day 38 – Entry 18_  
Aww, Ronon really likes beating up his new playmates. Let's watch him beat the snot out of them again. :bg:

_Day 38 – Entry 19_  
This is awesome puppy Ronon is pre-trained in assault weaponry. **Note to Self:** Don't forget to ask Elizabeth for a gun like Ronon's.

_Day 38 – Entry 20_  
Heh. McKay finally admitted I'm cool. What? Out of context he said I was COOL, aite!

_Day 39 – Entry 1_  
What's this?! What's this?! Teyla is trying to take my puppy away from me! Argh.

_Day 39 – Entry 2_  
**Note to Teyla:** Get your own Puppy of Hawtness! Ronon is my puppy! Elizabeth said so... or she will… And how many times do I have to tell you curtains are not meant to be made into clothes, Fraulein Maria?!

_Day 39 – Entry 3_  
Hee! No one can ever resist the intergalactic bedhair puppy eyes combo. Not even Elizabeth. Hee! I luff her.

_Day 39 – Entry 4_  
Hee! Elizabeth luffs me too! She's letting me keep Ronon! Too bad I can't poke him like Steve. Though I could poke Ronon, but he might try to cook me then eat me. I'll go poke Rodney then. :bg:

* * *

**Teyla Emmagan**

_Day 33 – Entry 1_  
Hi! My name is Little Miss Obvious. What lines of obviousness do you need uttered today:tilts head:

_Day 33 – Entry 2_  
**Obviouslies of the day #1:** Major Lorne is cute!

_Day 33 – Entry 3_  
**Obviouslies of the day #2:** Is everyone okay? If you had eyes, you can see everyone is okay, duh!

_Day 33 – Entry 4_  
**Obviouslies of the day #3:** OMG! Ronon is so hawt! Sparring with him is sex!

_Day 33 – Entry 5_  
Saying the Obviouslies of the Day is so tiring. I guess I'll do the splits on my bed and stretch out before Ronon, my booty call, arrives. Hey, why else would I be wearing "work out" clothes before going to bed... :wink wink:

_Day 33 – Entry 6_  
Ooh, Ronon is smarter than he looks. Using an apology as an excuse for our sexcapades… The guards will never suspect! He's a SMRT boy! Hee!

* * *

**Major OMG!-I'm-Still-Alive Lorne**

_Day 2 – Entry 1_  
Yes! I'm still alive. :fist pump: But I still don't have a first name… :woobies:

_Day 2 – Entry 2_  
Awesome! I'm still alive _and_ I get the biggest gun! Now all the girls want me! Hee!

_Day 2 – Entry 3_  
:headtree repeatedly: I'm still alive, but apparently I can't shoot… Now Colonel Bedhead is going to get all the chicks again. No fair! I still want a first name!

* * *

**Doctor Carson Beckett**

_Day 27 – Entry 1_  
Yay! I get to go off-world to... survey a field of pansies... Wait a minute… Is this supposed to be symbolic???

_Day 27 – Entry 2_  
Rodney has a date with a woman?! Is Armageddon upon us??!

_Day 27 – Entry 3_  
What? What? What did Cadman say? Splutter? Splatter? Oh, Scatter... :gets shoved: Oof... :says hi to the grass:

_Day 27 – Entry 4_  
Owie... :stops saying hi to the grass: Er, Rodney and Cadman disappeared... :flails:

_Day 27 – Entry 5_  
Where do I go?! What do I do?! OMGWTF?! The Dart is crashing towards me... :flails: I'm going to die! Mommy... :cries:

_Day 27 – Entry 6_  
Am I dead? Do I get to keep a journal in the afterlife?... :looks down: I'm covered in dirt… Did they just bury me alive?!

_Day 27 – Entry 7_  
Phew, the crashed Dart missed me. But I'll put myself in harm's way and walk up to the Dart where the Wraith could jump out and eat me... They can't kill me yet! I just got added to the main credits! They promised!

_Day 27 – Entry 8_  
Colonel Trigger Happy saved me from my stupidity and killed the Wraith before I could ask him to bring back Cadman... and I guess Rodney too. Boohoo!

_Day 27 – Entry 9_  
Poor Rodney he misses Cadman so much he's making crazy talk. Okay, maybe he doesn't miss her. He just crazy.

_Day 27 – Entry 10_  
Er… Schzoid!Rodney is smiling at me and _really_ creeping me out!

_Day 27 – Entry 11_  
Hm… I heard rumors about his sexuality, but seriously… OMG!!! Is Rodney coming on to me?!

_Day 27 – Entry 12_  
OMFG! He _is_ coming on to me! He just asked me out on a date, and Doctor Brown is just a decoy!... :twitch twitch:

_Day 28 – Entry 1_  
This date is Awwkwwward! Hm… But since Laura is still in Rodney's head, should think of this as a double date? That would make it less gay, right?

_Day 28 – Entry 2_  
Rodney needs to stop talking. I'm embarrassed for him. I'm embarrassed for me having to witness how pathetic he is…

_Day 28 – Entry 3_  
:nonstop twitching: Rodney kissed me… OMGBBQ! I knew Katie Brown was a decoy! Ahhhhh!

* * *

**Doctor Rodney McKay**

_Day 34 – Entry 1_  
Argh, why do we get a girl to be our bodyguard??? Just because Carson thinks she's cute doesn't mean the midget marine has the skills to keep my genius brain safe.

_Day 34 – Entry 2_  
WTF?! How does the midget marine know about my date with Katie Brown?! Midget Marine is a stalker! Ahhh!

_Day 34 – Entry 3_  
Did Carson just call me gay?! That bastard is just jealous that his fake Scottish accent isn't getting him any girls. Ahahahaha!

_Day 34 – Entry 4_  
Girls Poker Night?! Why wasn't I invited? I'm a girl. Er, I like girls!

_Day 34 – Entry 5_  
**Note to Cadman:** STFU about my pathetic nonexistent love life!

_Day 34 – Entry 6_  
OMGWTF?! Did Midget girl just tell me to STFU?! No! YOU, STFU! Biotch! RAWR!

_Day 34 – Entry 7_  
OMG! Running is bad for McKay! Because McKay cannot run fast. McKay cannot breathe. McKay hurts. And McKay starts talking in third person… McKay feels light headed...

_Day 34 – Entry 8_  
What?! Did Cadman just say to get fatter?... :gets beamed up: Doesn't matter now, does it?

_Day 34 – Entry 9_  
Now you see me… And now I pass out... again… :thud:

_Day 34 – Entry 10_  
Oh my God! My head hurts... **_OMFG!!! _**WTF?! This is my journal, dammit!!! **_No, it's not! It's my journal! Get out of my journal, McKay!_** WTF are you talking about, woman. It's my journal! ARGH!!!

_Day 34 – Entry 11_  
This sux0rs! Not only is Cadman in my head! She has to hijack my journal too?! That little bitch! **_I'm still here, you know!_** SHUT UP, Cadman! **_No, why don't you shut up?!_** It's my fucking journal! Whatever!! **_And watch your French in front of a lady!_**

_Day 34 – Entry 12_  
Great now Beckett thinks I'm crazy too! **_That's because you are! _**ARGGGGH!!! **_Beckett is really cute too! HeeHee! _**OMG! I don't _not_ need to hear that! Lalalalalala

_Day 34 – Entry 13_  
**Note to Zelenka:** Zelenka you are Dumb and Cadman is Dumber! **_Hey!! I resent that!! _**Whatever! What are you gonna do, hurt me?

_Day 34 – Entry 14_  
OMGWTFASSHATS!!!! I AM NOT CRAZY! OMG! That's what Ford said in the last episodes!... :flails: **_Are you sure you're not crazy?_** SHUT UP! **_Ahahahahahahahaha!  
_**  
_Day 34 – Entry 15_  
Fuck me… I just yelled at my boss. No thanks to Little Mizz Bratty here. **_If you weren't ignoring me, I—_** You know what?! Just STFU. Just STFU!

_Day 34 – Entry 16_  
Stupid Cadman! Now I have to go see Heightmeyer! **_I am not stupid_**! Yes! Yes, you are!

_Day 34 – Entry 17_  
Bitchmonkey! Katie saw me talking to myself… Crap! I forgot about the date we have for tomorrow. I'm destined to be single for life! **_Hell yeah!_** UGH! Shut up!

_Day 34 – Entry 18_  
This quack session is pointless. Cadman does not need anymore control. Her voice is more annoying than nails on a chalkboard! **_Hey! I heard that!_** Ow, that voice it hurts mine ears!

_Day 34 – Entry 19_  
Um, did Zelenka just say that I screwed up and to piss off? **_Yeah, Zelenky totally PWNED you back there._** OMG! GO AWAY!!! **_I totally would if I could, genius! _**ARGAHHHHH!!!!111!!

_Day 34 – Entry 20_  
Mmm... Sleep is good... :conks out:

_Day 35 – Entry 1_  
OMGWTFFragglerock!!!! Where am I? Where are my clothes?! Why am I in pain?! OMG! I've been raped! **_Yo, Rodney, shut up! I'm still sleepy._** I've been raped!! **_You weren't raped! I borrowed your body for a run, and traumatized myself when I decided to sleep nekkid. If anyone got raped, it was my poor eyes._**

_Day 35 – Entry 2_  
I hate you, Cadman! **_Ditto!  
_**  
_Day 35 – Entry 3_  
I am not going on my date with Cadman wasting space in my brain! **_Yes, you are going on that date!_** No, I'm not! **_Yes, you are and it is final! Lalalalallala_** NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

_Day 35 - Entry 4_  
OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! It's my date with Katie! OMG! OMG! OMG... :hyperventilates: **_McKay! Breathe! Just do what I say and you'll survive this... I think… _**OMG! Your advice sucks! **_No, it doesn't! You suck in general! I'm taking over!_** What???! No!!!

_Day 35 – Entry 5_  
Finally have my body back, but Zelenka didn't fix the machine. :cries: I'm going to be in hell forever... :wails: **_You're in hell?! I'm stuck in your fat ass body! I'M IN HELL!!!! _**

_Day 35 – Entry 6_  
Great we're back in another psych session. It's all Heightmeyer's fault! **_No, it's you're fault for being a control freak! _**STFU! Cadman!... :vein pops:

_Day 35 – Entry 7_  
See, what Heightmeyer and Cadman did?? They made my brain hurt! Now I'm going to die!... :sobs: **_Actually, I'm going to die..._** Oh yeah… Yay! Er... Sorry.

_Day 35 - Entry 8_  
Eureka! No, not the show! Cadman just gave me an idea! I can get rid of Cadman sooner! **_WTF does that mean?! OMG I'm going to die, aren't I?  
_**  
_Day 35 – Entry 9 _  
Yes, yes! We're going to survive! **_Wait!!!!_** What?! **_Before I die, I need to do something._** WTF?!... :kisses Carson:

_Day 35 – Entry 10_  
Nooooooooooo!!!! I kissed Carson… in front of EVERBODY! The McGay jokes are going to come back again. :facepalm:

_Day 35 - Entry 11_  
Owie, my head. No more brain stalking please!

* * *

**Lieutenant Laura Cadman**

_Day 1 – Entry 1_  
Carson Beckett is so cute. I ♥ him. Teehee!

_Day 1 – Entry 2_  
McKay is such a dork. My goal today is to make McKay squirm. Mwhahahaha!

_Day 1 – Entry 3_  
Booya! I just mentioned Katie and McKay's face is turning red. I think he's head is gonna explode too. Awesome! I can hear his head buzzing...

_Day 1 – Entry 4_  
Oops, that buzzing was a Dart. Fuck. :runs for her life:

_Day 1 – Entry 5_  
This sucks donkey balls! I get the two guys who literally can't run or _scatter_ to save their lives! First priority, save my future boyrfriend... :shoves Beckett to the side:

_Day 1 – Entry 6_  
Finally, I have _my_ journal back. Mckay is fat. **_No, I think you mean PHAT! Pretty Hawt and Tempting!_** God no! I mean FAT as in Fat Ass, Fathead, Fat Face, Fat boy, Fatty— **_Okay, I got it! STFU!!!_** It's my journal I can write whatever I want, Fatty!

_Day 1 – Entry 7_  
Er, I think I need a technobabble fish. I have NO clue what Zelenky just said.

_Day 1 – Entry 8_  
Hmm, Rodney is ignoring me. :mentally pokes Rodney: Poke, poke, poke, poke! Rodney, Rodney, RODNEY!!! **_OMFG! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! _**Bwahahahaha:giggle fits:

_Day 1 – Entry 9_  
Dude, McKay totally suxors at flirting. He's so lucky Katie likes freaks! He soooo needs my help. **_Hey! I'm not a freak! And I DO NOT need help from a teenybopper! _**Uh huh, whatever, McLoser!

_Day 1 – Entry 10_  
Ooh, I like Doc Heightmeyer. She figured out a way for me to hijack McKay's body later. Heehee!

_Day 1 – Entry 11_  
This totally sux! We have to sleep in Rodney's room?? Fuck that... I'm leaving. :hijacks McKay's body:

_Day 1 – Entry 12_  
Ooh, I can totally do some recon stalking on Carson's love for me. Teehee!

_Day 1 – Entry 13_  
OMG! Carson is so cute! And McKay's body is NOT cute. Just because of that, I'm making McKay look as gay as possible.

_Day 1 – Entry 14_  
Mission accomplished. Booya!

_Day 2 – Entry 1_  
Rodney is such a light-weight just one glass of wine and I have full control of his body! Awesome! Time to do some seducing. :wink:

_Day 2 - Entry 2_  
Score, I rock the ladies! Hm… Since I technically kissed Katie, does that count as a girl-girl kiss? Rodney is pretty pansy-ish I guess it counts. **_No, it does NOT count. I am manly and not a bratty snot like you!_** Whatever, McKay! Talk to your own hand. **_WTF?!!_**

_Day 2 – Entry 3_  
Hehe, I literally PWN Rodney's body right now! Mwhahaha! **_Stop it! STOP IT!!!_** Rodney, you are such a wuss that a girl can takeover your _own_ body.

_Day 2 – Entry 4_  
**_OMFG! Shut up, Cadman!_** Hey, this is my journal. Just for that I'm making you look like a Schzoid Spaz... :McKay spazzies: **_STOP IT! STOP IT!!! Ahhhhh!!! I have to go to the damn lab, bitch!_ **Fine, whatever. :rolls eyes:

_Day 2 – Entry 5_  
Yes, I'm finally pretty again! And I don't have to spam Rodney's journal hehe. And I can seduce Carson!

* * *

**Doctor Radek Zelenka**

_Day 12 – Entry 1_  
First time off world! Scared... Whee??

_Day 12 – Entry 2_  
I must save Rodney!. :Zwoph: OMGWTF! WRAITH???!!!. :flails:

_Day 12 – Entry 3_  
Phew! It was a false alarm… Somebody hold me!

_Day 12 – Entry 4_  
Why does Colonel Sheppard look at me funny? What?! When I'm scared I talk a lot... kind of like Rodney… I miss Rodney. :cries:

_Day 12 – Entry 5_  
Okay, I don't miss Rodney anymore. Doctor McKrazee is a mean asshat!

_Day 12 – Entry 6_  
Doctor McKrabby is also talking to himself very loudly… It's not like he has to yell. Cadman is _in_ his head, right? Can't he just whisper to her instead?

_Day 12 – Entry 7_  
Ha! For once I can't tell Rodney is wrong! Oh no! Does that mean the world is going to end? Because that's what Rodney always tells me… Ack. :runs and hides:

_Day 13 – Entry 1_  
OMG!YAY! Rodney figured out how to save himself. Now I won't be alone again! Er, that totally came out wrong...

* * *

**Doctor Elizabeth Weir**

_Day 37 – Entry 1_  
Yay! For once I don't have to listen to McKay talking! Is Rodney drooling in his sleep again?... :snerk:

_Day 37 – Entry 2_  
Aww, Carson has a crush on Cadman. Boys, you save them once and they want to have your babies. :rolls eyes:

_Day 37 – Entry 3_  
Rodney yelling at himself is very disconcerting. But to ease the discomfort I suggest everyone to point and laugh at him. :bg:

_Day 37 – Entry 4_  
Okay… Seeing Rodney tell himself to STFU a hundred times is too weird. I'm sending him to Heightmeyer to examine his brain. Hee! John agrees with me. :smiles:

_Day 37 – Entry 5_  
:facepalm: I should have know there was a reason John was following me around like a good puppy. He wanted to keep Ronon and sex. :sigh: Boys.

_Day 38 – Entry 1_  
Why do I always fall for John's adorkably sexy charms??! Because he's a hot manipulative bastard, I'm demoting him back to Major for this episode. Ha! Who's the boss? That's right! Me! RWAR!

_Day 38 – Entry 2_  
Aww, Ronon is so cute. He wants to play with his new playmates. I hope he doesn't hurt them too much. I guess I'll let him stay. John looks ridiculously cute when he is begging me. :wink:

_Day 38 – Entry 3_  
Hm, John is still stalking me. Maybe he found out about the one episode demotion and wants to make it up with sex.

_Day 38 – Entry 4_  
Bah, he just wanted to talk about his new puppy. Next week you're on your own, Buster! RAWR!

* * *

**Ronon Dex**

_Day 4 – Entry 1_  
Ronon like food. Ronon like to eat food with bare manly hands! Yummy! Rawr!

_Day 4 – Entry 2_  
Porcupine hair dude talking to me... Can't he see him busy eating?!

_Day 4 – Entry 3_  
Ooh shiny sharp things to kill my food with... :stabs mashed potatoes: Did Sheppard ask me to stay?... :stabs food again:

_Day 4 – Entry 4_  
Sheppard gave me four pansy boys to beat up. Come on! Give me something more challenging! RAR!

_Day 4 – Entry 5_  
Dude, first, I beat four pansy playmates now I get dinky gayass guns? You're P-90 has got nothing to my gun, yo!... :shoots ginormus hole in target:

_Day 5 – Entry 1_  
Teyla is a much better playmate for sex sparring then those pansies I fought yesterday.

_Day 5 – Entry 2_  
Heh. I think Sheppard is jealous. Oh yeah, everybody wants me. :wink:

_Day 5 – Entry 3_  
**Note to self:** "Sweeping a girl off her feet" does not mean literally sweep her off her feet… But Jane... er,Teyla seems to like it. Score one for Tarzan!

_Day 5 – Entry 4_  
I hear McKay has a date. Sheppard is probably with Weir. I might as well make my own booty call and "apologize" to Teyla. :wink wink:

_Day 5 – Entry 5_  
Wow, Sheppard really wants me to stay. Now he's sending me his woman for sex… uh to stay... I mean, to convince me to stay. Yeah... :whistles innocently:

_Day 5 – Entry 6_  
Wait, did Weir just say Major Sheppard? I thought he was a Colonel… Ooh, he must have pissed her off to get a demotion for the episode. :Ph33rs Weir:

* * *

**Doctor Katie Brown**

_Day 1 – Entry 1_  
I don't know why everyone thinks Rodney is weird. He is so cute! But he talks to himself a lot. I'm so happy our date is still on!

_Day 2 – Entry 1_  
Yay! Rodney will be here for our date any minute. :prepares dinner table:

_Day 2 – Entry 2_  
Carson? OMG! Did I get drunk and mistaken Carson for Rodney?

_Day 2 – Entry 3_  
Phew! Silly Rodney invited Carson without telling me. Why would he do that??? Is Rodney bisexual?? But everyone tells me he's asexual!!

_Day 2 – Entry 4_  
OMG! Rodney kissed me! Now I can disappear forever! Yay!

* * *

**Doctor Kate Heightmeyer**

_Day 3 – Entry 1_  
:sigh: McKay is back. I hope he doesn't cry on me again…

_Day 3 – Entry 2_  
Heh. McKay has to share his brain with Cadman. This is probably the only time McKay is part of a couple:giggles madly:

_Day 4 – Entry 1_  
When did I get cast in _Stargate: Lord of the Rings_:stares at Schzoid!McKay:

_Day 4 – Entry 2_  
OMG! Gollum, Smeagol. Stop arguing! And throw yourself into Mount Doom already!

_Day 4 – Entry 3_  
Oh crappity crap crap crap! Gollum's brain just esploded! Somebody call 911! Damn, wrong galaxy! Call Beckett!

_Day 4 – Entry 4_  
Okay, I've had enough crazy people for the day. I'm taking a break until the end of the season.


End file.
